Gas Masks

I feel like I’m stalling out. I take on  projects, but to complete them, I have to have more talent than I have. It makes me start wishing I could do cool stuff, like producing records. I tried to write a trance track tonight, couldn’t do it without picking up a guitar and by the time I had a basic two chords and 90 seconds of a song, three hours had passed. And that was the easy part. I was listening to A Dubstep Christmas, and I saw a cool photo of a dude in a white chemical suit. I thought, gee, I wish I could set up my living room, maybe buy an iPad, get a fog machine, put on the old chem suit and have some fun spinning some tracks. But why? No one cares, I’ve already got a band project going, and it all takes money that I now don’t have. I don’t even have a piano, the most basic instrument I need to write any music.

Then I go through looking at old photos. Same thing there. I end up seeing people that I wish I still talked to but for whatever reason they want nothing to do with me. It reminds me that I once had time to myself and a sense of style. My sense of style now involves not wearing my work boots and putting in my gages for the weekend so my ears don’t close up. And why have style? Where do I go other than work and church? Who am I trying to impress?

Now I’m watching the property brothers. How does a skater with a stay at home girlfriend look at houses with a budget of 400,000? I make a solid 60k per year, which is a good middle-class income, and I can’t even afford a second car, I can’t even get a loan for 10k! In order to get a credit card I had to put up $5k and backed the card with a CD of my own money.

The only thing I have to look forward to is seeing my shrink tomorrow and getting more valium. That’s starting to be a hobby, sitting by myself and listening to music and watching videos and just being in my own world. It’s been two months and UNM still hasn’t even applied my credits so I can get my AA sent to me. I can’t even look forward to school. I’m going to have to find something worth pursuing and soon.  This is getting old.

J