A New Year

As 2013 approaches, I’ve come to several realizations.

Realization #1

A lot of people think I’m fake, selfish, and immature. They’ve completely written me off. These people were once close to me. So coming to this realization means that somehow it’s my fault they got that impression.

Realization #2

I can be fake, selfish, and immature. Some times more than others. But my accusers have a valid point.

Realization #3

A lot of my friends are fake, selfish, and immature. Sounds like a double standard for me to say that, since I share those qualities, but it’s just an observation I’ve made.

Realization #4

I have no real reason to care about any of the before mentioned realizations. I know I can be fake, selfish and immature. I can admit it, and I usually apologize for it. I try to foster true relationships. To err is human, to forgive is divine, said Shakespeare. My best friend is my wife, to her I have made an eternal commitment. I will never lose that friend. I have made no commitments to any other friends, nor have they made commitments to me. So in the end, I have to expect that I don’t have friends, so when someone acts like one, hell, bonus! It probably won’t last, but in that moment, someone was there for me, so I should take it like it is instead of doing what I have always done and acting like we’re BFF’s like high school. I’m pushing 30. People have lives. I have a life. The time for buddies is over.

Realization #5

It’s sad that I’ve had to come to all these realizations. But even the circle of friends I’ve known to be together the longest have problems, they fight, they’ve got their own drama. I don’t like drama. Sometimes I think it follows me, but I know that’s not true. When people say that drama follows them, that means they ARE drama. Recently I was afraid of a situation that has historically proven to start drama. It centered around one person. My fear of this drama… created drama. It did that because I called it drama. When something is labeled drama, it then becomes drama. Right now my ex-wife is creating major drama. I just called it drama, so it is. Now, let me amend that. Right now my ex-wife is being a tool, but it’s par for the course and I get to see my friend Kaytlin tomorrow and I’m leaving this shit town in less than 24 hours. Same situation, it just stopped being drama because I laughed at it and didn’t call it drama. So 2013 will be the year of no drama. I can say that word because it’s still 2012

Realization #6

I need to summarize the point of this blog post. I’m on the market for new friends. You may already think we’re friends, but we are actually aquaintances unless you KNOW we are friends. I’m on the market for people I can talk to about stuff, that actually call or text or email from time to time to see how things are. Right now, the best friend I have is a girl I’ve never met in person (best friend other than my wife of course). She texts me just to say hi, or good morning. And no, it’s not an affair, she’s gay and one of Holly’s best friends since high school. I want people to bitch to, not bitch about. If right now you’re saying I should just stop bitching, stop and think about how many times you’ve bitched about something in the last 48 hours. We all bitch. It’s who we are as humans. That’s what I want. Friends. I will make new ones in 2013, and reconnect with old ones. That is my goal for 2013.

-Jacob

Gas Masks

I feel like I’m stalling out. I take on  projects, but to complete them, I have to have more talent than I have. It makes me start wishing I could do cool stuff, like producing records. I tried to write a trance track tonight, couldn’t do it without picking up a guitar and by the time I had a basic two chords and 90 seconds of a song, three hours had passed. And that was the easy part. I was listening to A Dubstep Christmas, and I saw a cool photo of a dude in a white chemical suit. I thought, gee, I wish I could set up my living room, maybe buy an iPad, get a fog machine, put on the old chem suit and have some fun spinning some tracks. But why? No one cares, I’ve already got a band project going, and it all takes money that I now don’t have. I don’t even have a piano, the most basic instrument I need to write any music.

Then I go through looking at old photos. Same thing there. I end up seeing people that I wish I still talked to but for whatever reason they want nothing to do with me. It reminds me that I once had time to myself and a sense of style. My sense of style now involves not wearing my work boots and putting in my gages for the weekend so my ears don’t close up. And why have style? Where do I go other than work and church? Who am I trying to impress?

Now I’m watching the property brothers. How does a skater with a stay at home girlfriend look at houses with a budget of 400,000? I make a solid 60k per year, which is a good middle-class income, and I can’t even afford a second car, I can’t even get a loan for 10k! In order to get a credit card I had to put up $5k and backed the card with a CD of my own money.

The only thing I have to look forward to is seeing my shrink tomorrow and getting more valium. That’s starting to be a hobby, sitting by myself and listening to music and watching videos and just being in my own world. It’s been two months and UNM still hasn’t even applied my credits so I can get my AA sent to me. I can’t even look forward to school. I’m going to have to find something worth pursuing and soon.  This is getting old.

J